Uber-riffic!

​So as we sit in a world full of violence, misogyny, terrorism, racism, xenophobia and any other Scrabble-worthy word you can think of, I can only watch so many viral videos that make me lose my faith in humanity. But as I waited for my eyes and my faith to start bleeding as I scanned the plethora of cats and Star Wars shit on YouTube, I noticed a little video of some fast food executive beating the shit of an Uber driver and couldn’t help but think… good. Good for that guy. Fuck Uber up its giant loophole-havin’ ass. Look, I don’t want to get off on a rant here – and I certainly do not want to deny anyone the opportunity to make money – but holy DC Cab, Mr. T! As someone who recently was rated 5 stars (out of 37, apparently) on Uber AND someone who knows the value of a sober ride to and from the bar(s) I frequent, I thought this Uber thing was a fucking godsend. Take me to and from a bar for 8 bucks? Fucking sign me and my sketchy criminal record up! But then one foggy summer’s eve, Uber came to say, Benny with your drunky on, we’re gonna fleece you out of $100 and accuse you of puking in said Uber and charge you $200 for that! Fucking Rudolph had it better! Hey Uncle Ben, it was jut one driver that tried to fuck you and your hard earned money up right? Why so serious? Well, I’ll tell you. ‘Twas only after threat of a lawsuit (who am I Perry Fucking Mason), countless emails of them accusing me of not knowing where I lived (the Uber ended up in Riverside or Redlands or some shit) AND a virtual photo lineup of my mug for the driver was I refunded my dolla dolla bills y’all. So fuck that company. Fuck those drivers. Fuck the fact that they skirt the federal, state and local laws that require background checks and hack licenses. Fuck the fact that they charge ½ the price of regular cabs. Fuck the fact that their cars always smell like what I imagine Heaven smells like (Olivia Munn’s inner thighs). Fuck the fact that maybe they’re providing a service and providing jobs for people looking to make ends meet. You know what? I’ve changed my mind. I’d write more but my LYFT is here. And it smells like Aaron Rodgers. Fuck me running. But I digress…