Greetings Citizens! It is I, your humble host, Uncle Ben. Now before you rip this paper into a thousand pieces and denounce me as a filthy, lefty, commie, socialist nut-bag democrat, pump the brakes my brothers and sisters. For I mean no harm with my click-bait-esqe title. And surely you will see after you get dome with my scribble, I am just a man of the people. And the people are tired. Of everything and everyone.
Now I know what you’re going to say, “hey UB, I like that misogynistic, xenophobic, Oompa Loompa-looking, born of a reality show, orange headed, dollar-squeezin’, race-baiting, gutter-dwellin’, no good dirtbag…” And that’s fine. We are all entitled to our opinions. It used to be what made this country great. It used to be what forced people from culturally and socially diverse backgrounds to get along. You know, for the “Greater Good”? I can remember it like it was pre-September 11, 2001. The sun would seem to shine a little brighter, Uncle Ben could keep his shoes on as he passed through Airport Security in less than it takes for me to look up the Final Jeopardy answer on the internet and pretend I knew it all along. I’m not saying 9/11 has caused this massive, almost (nearing) violent divide within our nation but well, OK, I am saying it’s 9/11’s fault. We are currently involved; no strike that involved is too benign a word. We are currently entrenched (yeah, that’s more like it) in what could amount to the most divisive, polarizing election in US History. I mean every election. You thought ol’ Incumbent to the Comptroller’s seat Lindsey Buckingham versus upstart challenger Fergie Jenkins was bad back in the local De Moines, IA election of ’86, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Look, I honestly don’t care what your political leanings are but when one side is spewing hate and violence and exclusionary tactics towards only certain people of this country, it’s time for people to take a stand. I am all for working with both sides to create compromise. Compromise is good. It’s like having to clean the garage but then getting homemade meatloaf afterwards. Yeah, the garage was a mess but you’re going to be eating meatloaf sandwiches for a week. Compromise. The problem is we don’t know how to anymore. And that goes for both sides of the aisle. If I see one more State Of The Union where only one side of the chamber full of rich politicians stands when (insert sitting president here) says cancer sucks and we should try and find a cure, it will be too soon. Really Republicans? Really Democrats? You hate the other side so much you can’t even stand and clap against cancer?? You’d think that just once some dude would be like, you know what? I hate cancer too! I’m standing up! Oh no, can you imagine what would happen to that guy/girl? And that’s the problem. We can’t get anything done because no one wants to compromise. It’s literally like dealing with children. They only want to do something if it’s their idea and it benefits them and they get rewarded. The reverse psychology that must have to be done on these politicians is amazing. I can just imagine some upstart newbie telling a 37-term Senator in some condescending tone, “Now Billy, you eat your peas and pass that bill and I’ll let you stay up an extra 30 minutes to watch Magnum P.I. tonight!”
What’s the solution you ask? Well, I for sure think it’s not adding more fuel to an already burning fire. Build a wall! Deportation! Papers please! Where are your papers? Look the left doesn’t have all the answers either and I’m sure the most correct and sane thing to do would be to meet in the middle and compromise. But I cannot fathom a time in this country where blatant racism, scary xenophobia and outright meanness was as celebrated as it is now. Look in the mirror. Is this who you want to be? Is this how you want your kids to learn about what once was the greatest country in the world? This is not the country I grew up in but it certainly can be again. Or maybe we just need an outright alien invasion to eliminate this divide that has grown between Americans and also the world. Then it will no longer be the Fourth of July, it will be our INDEPENDENCE DAY!