Sick Boy

​As your faithful host, I have a sworn duty to uphold the constitution, protect this country against all enemies (foreign and domestic), and provide a weekly rant filled with hilarity, hi-jinx and good-natured ribbing of you, my faithful followers. But, thanks to fucking ASSHATS that can’t stay home from work when they’re sick let alone cover their fucking pie-holes when they cough, yours truly has now come down with a Christmas bug and is writing this high as fuck on Nyquil, Thera-Flu and vitamin C. Look I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but holy spread the virus, Batman! Look, I get it, you need to work, hell we all do. Working is what we do to kill the time between Facebook status updates (Hey everyone, I’m sad and single, here’s a picture of a whole lasagna I ate last night whilst watching America’s Got No Talent!) and Fantasy Football trade offers (No, I won’t trade you Tom Brady for your shitty defense and your one-legged kicker). We all have to work. Some of us get to work less than others and that’s cool. I will never begrudge anyone who can make shit work by working the least or the most amount of time. But if your job entails you to deal with people, any kind of people, be it your dumbass co-workers or your dumbass clients or dumbasses that meander in off the street, you need to STAY THE FUCK HOME if you are sick. Let me explain how viruses work. Let’s say you’re a, hmmm, I don’t know, a fucking bank teller at a branch Uncle Ben banks at. And then let’s say as a certain host is asking to withdraw cash to slip into his employees stockings as a Xmas bonus you decide now is the time for you to let out the cough of all coughs. Hey, I get it, coughing is the body’s natural reaction to expel bad shit and phlegm and other bacterium. We all do it, hell that guy from Pawn stars sounds like he’s expelling fucking E-Bola every time he laughs, but to do it DIRECTLY IN MY FACE WITHOUT COVERING YOUR FUCKING MOUTH is beyond rude and just plain old fucking mean. Hey everyone, we live in a society. That means we must all make sacrifices to keep said society in working order. That means stay the fuck home when you are sick, don’t bring your sick ass virus machine baby over and then proceed to tell me how it’s been deadly sick for 2 weeks but you can still hold it and for the love of Pete, stop taking pulls off of my beer if I offer it to you. Um, wait; I just realized that’s where I may have gotten sick. Damn, I hate these rants when I go down a rabbit hole and realize it just may be my own fucking fault. You know what, fuck it, you should still stay the fuck home and cover your mouth when you talk to me. In fact, I want everyone to stay home, sick or not. Uncle Ben needs a break from society anyway. But I digress…