There I was again, late for class. No homework done. Absent for the last 3 weeks. Cramming for a final of which I had not studied for at all. Just about to throw in the towel yet again when… my alarm went off! YES, just another anxiety-filled, sweat inducing recurring dream. It has literally been 20 years since I last brought my pencil (gimme something to write on man!) to any type of educational class and I still can’t shake the nightmares. And, in doing extensive research (I asked like 3 people) I found that I am not alone in this situation. So to spare future generations from cold sweats and night terrors, I propose the following: cancel school. Forever. That’s right. No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers’ dirty looks. School’s out… forever.
Look I don’t want to get off on a rant here but haven’t we hit our apex with the current educational system? I mean, no offense but there are certain kids that peak right around birth and no amount of school is going to help them. I know what you’re saying, but Uncle Ben, my child is the exception to the rule, the diamond in the rough. No. No it’s not. You may be looking through rose-colored glasses and that I understand. But take it from me, an outsider with a non-biased perspective, your kid is dumb as dirt and no amount of remedial geometry is going to help it succeed.
Now before you run to the woodshed for torches and wooden stakes, let me explain my point of view. We live in a golden age; an age of technology (probably extraterrestrial) unlike any before us. We need to evolve just as our ancestral primate cousins did once they invented the wheel or fire or the 24-hour convenience store. I realize there are certain benefits of herding your kids to a prison-like institution for 8 hours a day. You get to relax knowing your child is spending most of its formative hours, days and years with a complete stranger who has an almost creepy desire to be surrounded by that much youth on a daily basis. Another benefit is your kids will develop the social skills needed to adapt to other critical situations later in life. I mean, what is life than just one big group of kids on monkey bars trying to get to the top without being pushed or dragged down or humiliated in front of the cool kids? And you get to be alone!! It frees you up to go sit in a desk with other people your age, taking orders from a superior and turning in your assignments on time. What’s that? Missed your deadline? Well then, someone needs to stay after work and finish it or they’re in trouble. Does anyone else see the irony? We are just constantly in a state of school and I for one think there are more important things in life.
So as to not be a Negative Ned, I am putting forth my plan.: My plan for everyone else’s kids. I know, but UB, what gives you the right to tell us how to raise our kids? The constitution, my friends, you got a problem with America? I didn’t think so.
First and foremost, there will be no more inside schools. If we have to have any type of class, it will be outside.
That being said, the second part of my plan involves just one lesson: The Internet. You have but two jobs as a parent: First, teach your kid how to use the Internet. Second, pat yourself on the back and crack open a beer. You deserve it.
There is nothing one cannot learn without the Internet. It is a magical gift bestowed upon us by our future slave leaders from a distant planet and I will be damned if I’m going to go back to a life pre-YouTube! I wont do it! So tell your kids the good news, no more school, no more homework, just a life of constantly looking up how to boil an egg and other trivial pursuits. Or maybe I’m still asleep and this is all a dream. Or a nightmare… but I digress.