I Was a Boy, Now I'm a Bat

​So as all you nerds are waiting in line for some fucking movie about wookies and an old space pirate nailing an equally as old princess, I’ll politely pass. Not that I don’t enjoy a good fantasy movie. Hell, I just watched the fantasy adult erotica film Ronda Arouse-me, and that’s about as close as I’m going to get to her hammer-fisting my heavy bag. So I get it, you gather up your sleeping bag made out of a dead Ewok, pull out that camping chair and load some snackie-poos into your Yoda-shaped backpack and head to the movies 6 days before it opens to get a good seat. Is that about right? Value your time much? Why not wait an extra 32 hours and see that shit on a Monday in a half-empty theater? Afraid another fucking 56 year-old is going to ruin what is basically a kids’ movie for your ass? Just turn off the Internet. It’s liberating, trust me. I turned off the Internet and found porn DVDs I didn’t even know existed nevermind the fact I owned them. Star Wars: Attack of The Merchandise will still be there a few days after it’s released. Pretty sure that cash cow is going to run in theaters until Indiana Solo finally moves on to that great big archaeological dig on Tatooine. But that’s not what I came here to talk about. While all you droid-a-philes are drooling over that movie, I have a complaint about a certain movie about a certain alien fighting some rich cunt in a mask. No, not Ted Cruz vs. Donald Trump, I’m talking about the only fucking superhero that matters vs. some depressed orphan with a black Amex: Superman vs. Batman, Dawn Of Justice or as I like to call it: S v B, Dawn of the worst fight in history. Look, I don’t want to get off on a rant here but holy inconceivability, Batman! (Hey that actually worked there for once!!) I don’t give a shit what fucking suit ol’ Trust Fund Bruce puts on; he is still just a man. Flesh and blood. Skin and bone. Hell, it’s Ben Aflac. Other than having the coolest first name in history that dude sucks. Now granted I’ve never seen a movie he has been in but I can only assume he acts as well as he stays married. Too soon? Why don’t we just put Matt Damon in as Robin and make this a full-fledged shit show. I actually could get behind that. I love Matt Damon. I’ve seen everything he has ever done and he acts about as well as he stays married. Not soon enough? But enough about those wicked shitty actahs frahm Boston, let’s get back on track. So I’m supposed to believe that an alien from another planet whose only---let me repeat that---ONLY weakness is a rock from another planet that in reality the chances of it AND the superbaby-carriage making it to Earth AND someone finding both are slim to none. This is the guy who flew around the world in the opposite direction and turned back time. Granted he didn’t think about the ramifications of his actions. We had to deal with Lois Lane/Margot “Is This My House” Kidder for 3 more films but still, pretty impressive. He stops bullets with his body, shoots molten lava laser beams from his fucking eyes, can freeze anything with his breath and he is supposed to think Bruce “Cyber Punk” Wayne is a threat? Fuck Bruce and his complex. We get it, you watched your parents shot to death when you were a boy. Get over it. I lost my car keys the other day; you don’t see me dressing up like Optimus Prime and throwing around little car-shaped ninja stars, do ya? Ol’ Supes could literally pick up BW’s entire batcave and throw that shit into another galaxy—with one hand tied behind his back and one eye focused on Lois as she takes a reporter piss at the Daily Planet. Man, x-ray vision would be great. So save all your “what ifs” and “Ben Aflac really is a good actor” and all that shit. Supes wins 100 times out 100. But then again, I said the same thing about Ronda Drousey and look what happened. May the Force be with you all.