I want to be the first to wish you a Happy New Year! Wait a sec, let me rephrase that: I’d like to be the LAST to wish you a Happy New Year! Holy Beating A Dead Horse, Batman. Dude, we get it, it’s February 37th and I haven’t seen you since 2015. You’re pumped, I know. I’m pumped when I don’t see myself for 8 hours whilst I sleep. Nothing says good morning like seeing this fresh face once awoken at the crack o’ noon by my annoying roommates as they step gingerly over my couch-laden body on their way to their “jobs”. We get it, mom and dad—I mean roomies, you’re responsible. I’ll have the rent money next week! Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, I don’t need you to wish me a Happy New Year 3 months after the ball dropped. But if you feel you must hold onto that happy, refreshing feeling like a bald guy holds on to the wispy remnants of his once glorious, flowing mane, by all means try to channel that into something productive.
Look I don’t want to get off on a rant here but let’s ditch the whole New Year’s Resolution thing. Not to be a Sassy Sally but if you need a calendar to tell you when to make drastic changes in your life, you may be in more serious trouble than you think. We all need change and we all need to change as soon as possible. But I find it hilarious that we rely on a man-made series of numbers and grids to motivate us to make said changes. Quit smoking? Um, let’s see, January 1? Lose weight? How about this, eat like Lard Ass during a pie-eating contest for 2 months then I’ll start to exercise, I promise. Repetition and organization is great and if this goal falls on the dawn of the New Year then by all means proceed. But if you are consciously aware of a problem that needs addressing on July 1, then you should address it as soon as humanly possible. I don’t want to be the one that breaks this to you but this is the only shot you get on this flying blue marble we call home. Make it last. Get motivated.
What the heck do ya mean? I’ll tell ya what I mean: GET MOTIVATED SON! Get pumped. Get psyched. Realize that you are presently occupying a finite form on a finite piece of rock in a finite gathering of celestial objects that happens to be part of an infinite ever-expanding universe. If you actually took the time to realize how absolutely tiny and insignificant your existence is relative to the universe we currently dwell in, you would be an absolute Hammerhead to spend your life worrying about trivial nonsense. So that’s what I mean when I say get pumped and get motivated. You have on average 78.8 years here on Earth. That’s 78.8 years to get that sh*t done you need to get done. I’m not advocating total societal anarchy but at least try and do something daily that makes you and/or your loved ones happy. Hate your job? Start looking for another one or just freaking quit. Quit, pick up a guitar, master some tasty licks and go on tour. Boom: problem solved. Hate your spouse? Start looking for another one or just freaking quit. Quit, pick up a guitar and master some tasty licks and go on tour. Boom: problem solved. Never been to the ocean? First off, what year is this? We have planes, trains and automobiles that will actually drop you off on the sand. Secondly, get on that sh*t. In love with that mousy girl from accounting but don’t have the stones to ask her out? Just do it. What’s the worst that could happen? She says no, makes fun of you in front of AND behind your back which causes so much pain and embarrassment you end up in a clock tower picking off strangers with a high-powered sling-shot. You go to jail, become someone’s “jail-spouse”, have to make license plates for 25 years only to get out and find nobody will hire you because of your multiple homemade facial prison tattoos and you die alone – poor, tatted and crying. Um, on second thought, maybe leave that chick in accounting alone. Or wait until next year. We all need resolutions. But I digress…