Disneyland!

Hey I have an awesome idea. Let’s get all my dude-bros together and make a kid-less, wife/GF-less, balls-less trip to the Magic Kingdom. You know, because we’re 8 fucking years old. Nothing says I have officially made it to adulthood like riding the teacups with your college roommate. And getting your BFF matching mouse ears while taking a selfie in front of whatever filthy, stripper-night-job-havin’, out-of-work actress who happens to be walking around as Cinderella that day. I’m sorry, lil’ Make a Wish cancer patient, you’ll have to wait in line, me and my bro bought VIP Splash Mountain tickets so we can finally get that picture together of us getting wet. That’s gonna look great on Facebook, or Tinder, or Grinder. Look, I don’t want to get off on a rant here but holy I Don’t Want To Grow Up I’m A Toys R Us Kid, Batman! Can we ditch the whole Peter Pan disease that’s running through our culture? We care more and know more about comic book characters, zombie movies and which dragon is currently making inter-species erotica with the hot girl from Game Of Thrones than we do politics, worldwide genocide and let’s see, what else is going on… oh yeah, we are currently almost out of water. You know, water? That shit that makes us live? That lifeblood of humanity, plant-life, wildlife… ALL OF LIFE? I’m pretty sure if we wanted to get everyone under 50 worried enough about the drought, we could just insert some storyline into GOT or have Iron Man do some PSA or just threaten to hold these fucking cartoons back until we shed enough light on these problems to actually start making real progress. Look, watch whatever the fuck you want. I watch these stupid shows too but I certainly don’t let them run my life. I haven’t been to the fucking movies since 2011. I don’t need some fucktard 15 year old snatch-chatting (patent pending) with her bestie and then threatening to sue me if I call her or her fucking Monster Squad friends a dirty name. Because “words hurt” people! Remember that. I always thought fists and rocks hurt but maybe I’m just getting cranky in my old age. So soften up, America. Watch your adult cartoons, never learn how to change a tire, live with your parents until you’re 39. Because when the fucking revolution/race war/apocalypse/rise of the apes comes, I’ll be the one knowing how to tie a square knot, hoarding water and not helping your punk ass at all. Maybe Disneyland is open; you’ve got VIP passes right? But I digress…