Dear Facebook

​Dear Facebook. It’s me. Ben, your faithful servant since like 2010. Yeah, I was late in seeing your awesomeness. I stayed away. Watched you from a distance. Going over the perfect time in my mind when I would muster up the courage to finally ask you to be a part of my life. Then it finally happened. Oh joyous day! I remember it like it was 2010. Filling your pages with status updates and pictures of literally every meal I was eating. Nice chile relleno, Ben! Thanks Facebook. Looks like you had a good time at the ballgame, Ben! Thanks Facebook, I did. Hey, Ben, remember this guy/girl that you haven’t seen in 20 years? Well, here’s what he/she had for breakfast. Thanks, Facebook, you always know what I need to hear. We had it all, Facebook. Friends, bands, food and pictures of kids I don’t care about. It was glorious. You understood that Social Media was never meant to be taken too seriously. It was about prompting social interaction and promoting social events. Come see my band, Facebook! Come read my blog, Facebook! Come look at how much my kid has grown since last night, Facebook! It was the best of times. I never wanted it to end. But then you changed. You started seeing other people. People I never thought you would see. People who update their status on the way to the hospital after hearing their parent just had a severe heart attack. Is he/she ok? No idea, thought I’d check in to the Emergency Room first, LOL/sad face! Types of people who want me to pray for their plants because they look depressed. Types of people who didn’t care what I had for breakfast the last 31 days. Types of people that didn’t care that I met Dave Grohl at a Transcendental Meditation class and then went and got a FroYo together. Types of people that like a virus slowly infected everything that was good and decent with you - racist, unabashed, stupid, sociopathic, psychotic assholes. Look, I know you went through a difficult time. We all remember the 2012 Election, but this is different. I used to look forward to seeing your little blue icon light up with red notifications every morning as I awoke. But now I hesitate before I give you the slightest touch. You’re cold and distant. You make me upset every time we are together. I feel that you’ve gone down a path you cannot come back from. So it with a heavy heart that I must say farewell to you and your new crowd of race-baiting, vitriolic, non fact-checking, Trump-supporting clique of “cool kids”. I’d like to say I’d wait for you as you weed out these asshats and realize what you’re giving up but I just can’t. So, goodbye Facebook, we had some good times, some bad times and some times I drunkenly can’t remember. Hope you and your new friends have a great time without me. I’m perfectly happy here on Twitter. Oh yeah, that reminds me… Dear Twitter, it is with a heavy heart that…