Fly Asian Airlines… We promise to only lose 1 plane per year. Holy episode of Lost, Batman! Are you fucking kidding me? Another plane goes missing in the vast region of Asia? I don’t want to get off on a rant here but maybe put your vacation plans on hold for a few decades. I’m talking to you, EVERYONE in Asia. Look, I hate to go Superman on everyone but yes, flying in an airplane is still statistically the safest form of travel. That being said, to see 3 fucking planes go down within a year, all sharing regional and corporate attributes, is about 3 too many if you ask me. I’m no airplane expert but I’d hold off on booking my vacation to the Philippines or Thailand or Malaysia or anywhere else in the Bermuda Triangle 2.0. As much as I would love to be stranded on a deserted island with only Evangeline Lily, polar bears and smoke monsters to keep me company, I will stay away from purchasing a ticket to the only airline/region that has to change their “_ Days Without a Workplace Accident/Missing Plane” sign every 6 months. And I’ll stay away from flying over any body of water as well. You realize there are monsters in the ocean? Real-life, carnivorous, scary ass, large and in charge fucking monsters are just chillin’, waiting for my savory ass to be dropped into the drink Tom Hanks style. So keep your Asian vacations and your tropical getaways to yourself. I’ll drive to the fucking Grand Canyon. There’s no danger there. Wait, I am afraid of heights as well as monsters. Damn. But I digress…

I have a great idea. I'm gonna make a movie about plotting and killing a sitting US president or the like. I'll throw in a few jokes, maybe show some male nudity (apparently that's the new rage in comedy) and then release it nationwide and see what happens. Oh, that might cause a stir you say? May ruffle some feathers? But when we do it to other countries, it's ok right? How dare that little fat fuck Kim Jong-Un get offended when a multi-billion dollar company makes a movie to be seen by millions of people about ending his life. What a dick! Look I don't want to get off on a rant here but Holy Double Standard! I'm not saying Kim Jon-Un is the best guy. He's a fucking psychopath. Dude had his own uncle executed for leaving the toilet seat up or something (I've heard Jong-Un like to sit his fat ass down whilst taking a piss). So I'm definitely not defending him, his country or the actual hackers who gave Sony the ol' how do ya do virtual style... but let's be honest. I can understand why the dude is pissed. If someone made a comedy about killing me and at the same time made me look like a super-douche, I'd take offense to it-ESPECIALLY if I actually was a super-douche! And fuck Sony for not standing by your fucking guns and releasing the movie. I know they had a tough decision when all the little pussy theaters started to buckle and refused to show the movie but c'mon man, you didn't think this was gonna cause the shit-storm that it did? One little pissant cyber-terrorist group calls you out and you pull the entire thing? I have a problem with this movie. I have a problem with cyber-terrorism. I have a problem with the non-release of this movie. I guess I just have problems. 99 of them. But I digress...

So apparently the Royal Family is visiting the USA or as they call it, " The Colonies". Now I have nothing against them personally but let's face it, this is not a forum for politeness and niceties, so let the games begin! Look, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but enough of the Royal Family. I get it, you come from a bloodline of ugly, rich, inbred horse thieves and you wield absolutely no power... good for you. The fact that Britain can place this amount of hero/celebrity worship on a family that doesn't do shit but raise awareness for multiple charities and actually serve in the military during combat war time, is nuts. Fuck those people. Go work with children with AIDS in Africa? What jerks. Fly helicopter missions and save multiple lives? Dicks. Why can't Britain be more like the good ol' US of A where we place our hero worship on people that actually matter? You know, sex-tape whores and daughters of hotel owners who get paid 5 figures to DJ. Look, I'm a musician. I know there's more to DJ-ing than pushing play, but DJ Paris Hilton? Stop. So LeBron got into trouble for putting his arm around the Princess, shit happens. She didn't mind. I think she got her husband's and LeBron's balding heads confused. Nothing says Karmic Justice like having all the money and power you can procure and losing the greatest battle of all-the battle of your hairline. Keep pushing that headband back, LBJ, looking good! So worship the Royal Family or hate them-I don't care. I'm more of a Pippa guy anyway. But I digress...