If you think diseases are dumb, share this post. If you think bullies shouldn't bully, like my stupid picture. Hey EVERYONE on social media. Please fucking stop with the fake activist posts on your stupid, unfunny, nobody-gives-a-shit profiles. I don't want to get off on a rant here but being an "armchair activist" does about as much good and gets about as much done as doing absolutely nothing at all. You really think sharing a post because you think cancer sucks is going to cure the disease? Oh and way to break new ground there fucko. You don't like cancer? Man, now what am I going to get you for your birthday? There's a term that was coined a few years back when all of this shitstorm started: Slacktivism, i.e: The act of pretending to do something whilst actually not doing a fucking thing but it looks like you did even though you didn't because you're a lazy, fat, stupid shitbird who likes to travel in packs and can't take the time to actually sacrifice time, money or social standing and take a chance to make sure something actually gets done. Damn, Webster is getting quite verbose with their definitions lately. So keep sharing your pictures of ribbons to promote awareness while thinking that's where actual activism and social change happen because while you're doing that, other people are actually physically doing something to change the world. You know what I mean? Physically? That's doing something that has tangible meaning and effect. Not left-clicking the thumbs-up because your great aunt on your step mom's half brother's side of the family once had a benign mole removed so you "totally get what it means to survive cancer". Last time I checked, reaching "500 shares" won't cure a disease. "1000 likes" won't get your glasses-wearing nerd of a son to stop being bullied at school. And stop with the awareness ribbons. I am well-aware that Autism exists. You putting a fucking magnet on your car does not all of a sudden make the world aware. As Kramer said when he refused to wear the AIDS ribbon, "you talk the talk but I walk the walk". OR this all for charity awareness and who am I to criticize as long as nobody gets hurt. But I digress...
School's out and there's sort of a buzz, but back then we didn't really know what it was... Late in the day and I ain't been on the court yet, hustle to the mall to get me a short set... Yep, That's right folks, it's almost summer time! I know, I know, it's not even spring. Why am I writing about summertime? Because I saw Independence Day last night and I miss Scientology-free Will Smith, that's why. I don't want to get off on a rant here but I'm pretty sure summer may be the best fucking time of the year. That's right. I said it. I'm looking at you Christmastime! You want a shot at the title, autumn? Keep walking, springtime! How can anyone not like summer? If you're a kid, you've just barely passed whatever grade you will look back on as the peak of your life and are looking forward to relaxing by the pool and doing absolutely shite all summer. If you're an adult, you've just gotten used to the time change and are looking forward to quitting your job and relaxing by the pool and doing absolutely shite all summer. Who the fuck likes winter when all the chicks are wearing 37 1/2 layers of clothes to keep their pale, no-tan-havin' asses warm. Now, flash-forward to summertime and imagine the sundresses silhouetting in the distance and nothing but bronze beauties showing off their coconut flavored skin. Whoa. Almost went down a rabbit hole there. So anyway, take your cold ass weather, your Christmas cheer, your Punxsutawney Phil and put them in the attic for good. I'll take board shorts, a poolside beer and bikini side-boob any day. But then again it's going to be 130 fucking degrees this summer and I love getting Christmas presents so maybe winter ain't so bad. But I digress...
The crack of the bat. The smell of freshly cut grass. The taste of overpriced, flat, room temperature beer. Either I'm having a stroke or it's baseball season. I don't want to get off on a rant here but Holy Thank The Christ I Don't Have To Deal With The Other Shite Sports, Batman. Look, nothing against footie-footie-football or basketball or Canadian Figure Skating (hockey) but when it comes to the best fucking sport on the planet, baseball takes 1st, 2nd and 3rd. I get it, it's a lot of fun to get smashed in your "man-cave" (ugh) and watch 13 straight hours of football while trying super hard not to punch your wife because your boy-crush of a QB threw an interception or the 24 year old's jersey you're wearing fumbled for the first time in months and now you're burning your autographed copy of his hunky calendar because you're life is over and you can't make it into work for 3 days. Most people can't throw a football 5 yards yet when Peyton Brady III has a completion percentage of under 70% you send your kid to bed without dinner. Football, basketball and the like are sports for neanderthals. It doesn't take any brain cells to watch/follow. Baseball is a sport for intellectuals. It's a poet's sport. The fucking game doesn't have a clock for the love of Pete! It's a chess match. A battle of wits. Double switches and the sacrifice bunt. Lefty vs. righty pitching duels. It flows like wine. All the sports dump like a shitty high school keg of beer. Baseball is the only sport where the defense has the ball. It defies logic. All the parks dimensions are different. The measurements of the baselines seem arbitrary yet so perfect. 90 feet? Why not 100? Why? Because 90 is perfect. The pitcher's mound is 60'6" away from the plate. Why the extra 6"? Because everyone needs an extra 6". Am I right ladies and germs? So keep your man cave and your alcoholism/domestic turbulence whilst watching football like a caveman. I'll be chilling' like Walt Whitman whilst watching the great American pastime. Or maybe baseball is boring as shit and I actually am having a stroke. But I digress...